Latest! Madonna injured in magickal duel with witchy rival!
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| Madonna, dark crone Queen of the Witcheries, about to do some cleaning. |
Breaking news from the infernal realm of popstardom as high priestess of Pop is apparently cursed with boils and discharge during a secret showdown with a vengeful Hollywood celebrity witch. Earlier today the slightly evil pop star celebrity Madonna was spotted by concerned locals of her private English holiday village, aimlessly tramping the high street an apparent victim of a magickal attack.
Tendrils
On-lookers describe the Dark Queen of Pop covered in boils and emitting ectoplasm in long stringy strands which attempted to entangle anyone within range. It was reported that a small black terrier called Jacob was attacked by the tendrils and drawn towards Madonna where its energy was absorbed. The first lady of Pop then reportedly transformed herself into a crow and flew away, just like in the video for Frozen.
Girl Power
Friends had previously expressed concerns over her health which had been taking its toll as a result of too much investment in magical ego battles with other celebrities, but some are unsurprised. Close friend and fashion designer Ledger St.Nick downplayed his concern at Madonna’s condition and said ‘She’s doing what a woman does, she’s a woman and women have the right to not be afraid of their emotions just because they are women. You go girl!’ he hooted.
Befouled
However, not everyone was quite so sympathetic. Ricky Plonker seemed unsurprised and related how at a party at Steve Coogan’s house Madonna had spontaneously and without any warning, given birth to a Golem which wandered around the room and befouled all the cocaine. The Golem was banished as a result of its careless actions and returned to the black vortex and Madonna kept her head down for the rest of the season.
Like a Virgin Hag
The Queen of the Underworld was recently in the news for having her official birth-name changed. Madonna informed the world at a press conference from a blasted heath where she stated that as of she now she must be addressed as: The Goddess of the Wicca, the Mother of All Living; the Creatrix and the Destroyer, The Triple Goddess: Like a Virgin, the Bride, and the Hag of the Royal Trinity of third-world adopting Mothers, forever and ever, Ave Satanas.
Kill that Mud Blood Bitch
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal superhero father married a muggle female from Earth, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’. Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who reportedly weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna is due to return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
Jumping and fighting star
Jolie, the jumping and fighting Hollywood star was voted ‘Best at Pretending’ at this year’s Academy awards ceremony for her role in this year’s action hit: ‘Tight-Pants 2: Rise of the Face-Puncher’. Jolie and Pitt recently spent three days conducting rituals at the Hellfire caves in Buckinghamshire for charity. Jolie’s superhero father Jon Voigt said he was ‘sick of it all and wanted out!’
Chanting in Latin
Jolie’s children, Ramboh, Nocherty St Knox, Paxo, Pasaz, Sarah-Jane-Morgoth and Saxon were all discovered not far from the scene of the alleged spell-casting, chanting in Latin and singing acapella 80’s hits but all denied involvement.
Madge's Stinky Vadge Rage
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Juju man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening.
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