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1980's Corporate Coke-Suckers: George Michael's Last Christmas.

George Michael, pictured with a Coke in his mouth.

Stubbly pop-ponce, flouncing fandango man and long time slow motion car-crash victim, George Michael checked out of rehab by dying of diet-coke related complications sustained in the mid to late 1980's.

George Michael was a lifelong advocate and activist for the cause of diet Coke and has encouraged a generation of young people to accept their thirst for coke and to get as much coke down their throats as possible.


George Michael, like many fizzy pop stars of his generation was often extremely outspoken about his professional integrity, and his relationship with coke.

"I want to say that I have no problem with people knowing that I'm in a relationship with the Coca Cola company right now.... I don't feel any shame. I feel stupid and I feel reckless and weak for having allowed my integrity to be exposed this way. But I don't feel any shame whatsoever."

No shame whatsoever.

Michael discovered his love of Coke after being lured into some bushes in East Finchley cemetery by a Greek Orthodox priest and given a mouthful. This transformative experience in the young Michael's life was the turning point and it was here that Michael's vowed to make everyone, young or old, love Coke.

It is said that to fuel this love of Coke he became a pop-star since he realised he would be able to access a whole generation of pale and confused young people, and encourage them to swallow coke.

Problems arose however when Michael couldn't get enough of the Coke and would often carelessly drink coke without exercising safety precautions, inspiring a concerned Brian May to pen the song Too Much Coke Will Kill You, dedicated to his friends Michael and the late Freddie Mercury.

Despite a series of public information films released outlining the dangers of Coke with the slogan :"Coke! Don't die of flatulence!" it was deemed that their menacing tone was over-sensationalising the dangers of Coke-use and that there really was no harm in getting your lips around a Coke, especially if you were good looking and in the 80's making good wedge out of it.

Fans of the late singer conducted a candle-lit vigil in the early hours of the morning but the solemnity of the occasion was marred as cannabis activists apparently gate-crashed the event and some stumbled into the grounds of his house with an over excited Cocker Spaniel and a shovel in a quest for Michael's legendary grass stash which the pop-star had reportedly secreted somewhere on his grounds prior to entering rehab, but had forgotten where he had buried it.

Buried stash

Michael's career received a significant boost in 1998, a period during which Michael's career seemed to be over, when he sensationally made the news after being arrested in the little girls' room of the Dick Shags memorial park in  Beverley Hills. He was reportedly exposing and stroking his can of coke with lewd intent and was arrested and given a 5 dollar bail order. He was sentenced by a federal judge to appear on CNN with Jim Moret, and tell everyone how much he loved Coke.

Coca-Cola's share price rose to unprecedented levels after the announcement and Coke was more popular among young people than ever and Michael was reinvented as a modern day hero and Coke activist.

In the end the Coke let him down, and he died, aged 53, from drinking from a soiled can, sometimes in the early 80's.

Not a George Michael Fan.

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